Directed by: Gil Bettman
For my first post, I thought the best way to go would be to suggest one of my favorite films, and one of the best So Bad, It's Good films out there. You may remember seeing this VHS cover way back in the day in your local video store. I sure did. I even remember renting it, or rather, my mom rented it for me. I remember feeling totally awkward during the sex scene between John Stamos and Vanity as my mom was sitting right next to me. But anyway, that was a long time ago. 1986 to be exact. And I hadn't seen it or even thought about it in nearly 30 years. Then one day it popped up on my radar somehow, I don't remember the exact details, but little bits and pieces started to come back to me, most notably Gene Simmons in drag, and I soon set out to find a copy.
That was easier said than done. Aside from VHS and Laserdisc, this was never officially released on DVD or Blu-ray, a fact that still remains to this day, surprisingly. Even an original VHS won't run cheap, typically going for over $20. The Laserdisc is even more scarce, going upwards of a whopping $100 or more, depending on the seller. And forget about ever coming across it on television or any streaming site. I don't know what the deal is with the rights, but somehow, for some reason, this is not easy to come by. So unless you're willing to shell out a cool $20 for a VHS, your next best option is bootleg, which are fairly easy to come by from a number of different sites.
Nearly 30 years later I am sitting in front of my tv screen, and to tell you the truth, I just can't believe what I'm seeing. To put it lightly, Never Too Young To Die is fucking insane, and in the best possible way. I have no idea what the filmmakers were thinking when they made this, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't this. However, it's because this film is so bonkers that it works so well. Had it been made "competently", I don't know if it would have worked so well. But trust me when I tell you that if you gather a bunch of friends and throw this baby on, your mind will be blown.
What can you say about a low-budget action film that stars a teenage gymnast named Stargrove (John Stamos), who ends up becoming a secret agent to fight a hermaphrodite cross-dressing super villain named Velvet Von Ragnar (Gene Simmons) that's hell bent on poisoning the city's water supply to take over the world? Or something like that. Though it's technically present day 1988, Ragnar's army look like they came right out of Mad Max, even being able to ride around in broad daylight on motorcycles wielding axes and swords. Logic also dictates that since Stargrove knows gymnastics, he must also be a natural martial artist. Oh, and did I forget to mention that the one and only Vanity also stars in this, as another secret agent? Yea, she does, and the best part is that she's either nude or half nude through the entire thing and sexy as hell.
Rumor has it that both Stamos and Simmons refuse to acknowledge this film. When you see the end result, what ultimately became NTYTD was obviously not what was intended. But that's what makes it so great! You will literally lose count how many times you yell "WTF?", or laugh your ass off while watching this. Though it's taken a few decades to happen, this film has gained momentum as a certified true cult classic, and if Stamos was a smart man, he would embrace this glorious film for all it's worth, rather than be ashamed. Hit the conventions!
If I had to "try" and describe this film, I'd say it's a cross between James Bond and Mad Max, with a whole lot of 80's cheese thrown in for good measure. But really, even that's not doing this film justice. It's fucking insane, and you just need to see it for yourself. What I can tell you is that every single person I've ever shown this to immediately claim it to be their new favorite film, simply because of how nuts it is. On top of that, it's easily one of the most entertaining films you will ever see. You will never guess what direction this will go at any given moment, I assure you. To this day this WTF? masterpiece remains one of the biggest hits for our Bad Movie Nights, and I hope it will be one of yours too.
P.S. Can someone PLEASE try and convince Shout! Factory to grab the rights to this so we can finally get a decent transfer?
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